You are looking well, you look very refreshed after your break. Oh god why do I just cringe when I hear that. Yes I do look well , its a pity you cant see into my soul, is how I would like to respond, or sometimes I just want to say thank you but how did you expect me to look. Or even F**k off you hypocrite, what you would like to say is Jane I thought you would look like a bag lady but you look normal, I bet there is nothing wrong with you, you have been faking it all this time , really you have been secretly off on holidays for 6 months. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Some people cross the street when they see me, either they dont want to speak to me because they are afraid I will unburden myself on them, they dont want to acknowledge the fact that if i can crumble then they can too, they are wrapped up in their lives and I am no longer a part of it.
There are those of course who give me their email address or number or invite me for coffee or lunch , those who unexpectedly show up with flowers and presents, those who show they care by comming up to me and hugging me.
There are those who come up to me and share their story of hurt, abuse or despair because they think I will understand it now.
I was always the same person, but I might not have understood. I have been all of those people I describe above.
Today I have to deal with some very difficult stuff and I have devised a note to hand people when I cannot speak or understand because I am so overwhelmed. It says;
I am anxious; when I get anxious I panic. When I panic I do not understand what you are saying to me. Can you please write down the most important part of what you are saying and what you need me to understand so that I can refer to it later when I am calm. Thank you for being patient with me. I might look fine but really I am too anxious to hear what you are saying to me properly right now. I wrote this note to help me cope in moments of utter panic, When I am too overwhelmed to speak. Thank you for treating me with kindness and compassion.
I think it is worth a shot. I look OK. I look like myself , the woman who can do what ever she puts her mind to . I sound OK , I sound like the profession well educated woman that I am, but oh god how i feel is far from OK. Do I need to be a crying jibbering idiot, with bad hygiene, weird hair speaking in tongues for people to understand that I am not able to function as well as I look and sound. I have been struck dumb by the intensity of the confusion I feel some days. When I can finally articulate what I was feeling many people tell me that is normal and they accept it as part of their life. for me it is not what I think of as normal. I had excellent recall, I could juggle chainsaws(metaphor) I could reason and understand. I did not see the signs that how I saw myself was not really how I felt and I compartmentalised my life so that I could present the well adjusted image of myself to some people and hide the absolute terror I felt. Joining myself up is proving to me more complex and demanding that I anticipated. I thought take a few tablets, get some counseling and everything would be as I want it to be. Be I am not God, I am not the man who runs the world. I am not perfect I am me, a flawed human being a woman trying to make sense of her world. I may not be able to ask for help yet but I can hand someone my note and perhaps some of the people I encounter today might be able to understand that under the veneer of calm and control there is a very confused person who is struggling to find her way in a rapidly changing world. who is struggling to understand what is happening and why. Who is not superwoman but just Jane an imperfect woman doing the best she knows how, trying to find her way in a very confusing world.
Some people cross the street when they see me, either they dont want to speak to me because they are afraid I will unburden myself on them, they dont want to acknowledge the fact that if i can crumble then they can too, they are wrapped up in their lives and I am no longer a part of it.
There are those of course who give me their email address or number or invite me for coffee or lunch , those who unexpectedly show up with flowers and presents, those who show they care by comming up to me and hugging me.
There are those who come up to me and share their story of hurt, abuse or despair because they think I will understand it now.
I was always the same person, but I might not have understood. I have been all of those people I describe above.
Today I have to deal with some very difficult stuff and I have devised a note to hand people when I cannot speak or understand because I am so overwhelmed. It says;
I am anxious; when I get anxious I panic. When I panic I do not understand what you are saying to me. Can you please write down the most important part of what you are saying and what you need me to understand so that I can refer to it later when I am calm. Thank you for being patient with me. I might look fine but really I am too anxious to hear what you are saying to me properly right now. I wrote this note to help me cope in moments of utter panic, When I am too overwhelmed to speak. Thank you for treating me with kindness and compassion.
I think it is worth a shot. I look OK. I look like myself , the woman who can do what ever she puts her mind to . I sound OK , I sound like the profession well educated woman that I am, but oh god how i feel is far from OK. Do I need to be a crying jibbering idiot, with bad hygiene, weird hair speaking in tongues for people to understand that I am not able to function as well as I look and sound. I have been struck dumb by the intensity of the confusion I feel some days. When I can finally articulate what I was feeling many people tell me that is normal and they accept it as part of their life. for me it is not what I think of as normal. I had excellent recall, I could juggle chainsaws(metaphor) I could reason and understand. I did not see the signs that how I saw myself was not really how I felt and I compartmentalised my life so that I could present the well adjusted image of myself to some people and hide the absolute terror I felt. Joining myself up is proving to me more complex and demanding that I anticipated. I thought take a few tablets, get some counseling and everything would be as I want it to be. Be I am not God, I am not the man who runs the world. I am not perfect I am me, a flawed human being a woman trying to make sense of her world. I may not be able to ask for help yet but I can hand someone my note and perhaps some of the people I encounter today might be able to understand that under the veneer of calm and control there is a very confused person who is struggling to find her way in a rapidly changing world. who is struggling to understand what is happening and why. Who is not superwoman but just Jane an imperfect woman doing the best she knows how, trying to find her way in a very confusing world.
No comments:
Post a Comment