I went to visit my mother for Easter Sunday, my ex-husband (long story) and my two daughters went too, my older brother was there. It was a very weird day, I must stop saying that , I suppose it was a weird day because I had forgotten what it was to enjoy myself and I was only weird because it was enjoyable. I found that I could not leave the house in the morning. I finally had a night alone at home and there was no-one to hunt out the door except myself. I found I could not muster the energy to leave so I went back to basics. I went looking for the trail of bread crumbs I had left myself for such events. I have been taking pictures, buying books, looking up stuff on the Internet, getting advise for many people, professionals, friend and random strangers. All of those things are there at my disposal I just need to look for the right one for the situation I am in. Remember to command the muscles, start by wriggling the toes, by commanding the muscles I get out of bed;pat on the back to me.
What is next, manage the blood sugar levels, perhaps it is not anxiety maybe it is low blood sugar, the cure, protein filled breakfast and sugary tea. That worked; pat on the back to me. Next the feeling that I am living in a bowl of jelly , that had to go so that I could drive, I bookmarked a load of sites on the Internet surely I thought there is one there that can help me leave the house. And yes, you guessed it there was EFT, emotional freedom technique. I needed to release the bad feeling that had built up during the very stressful fortnight I had experienced, I needed to accept myself so that I was OK to be me. So I followed the exercise., and again you guessed right , it worked. Gradually by forming and remembering the habits that helped me get well again, I was able to cope with a potentially very stressful event, an hour long drive with my teenage daughter who was likely to use the hour of captivity(mine as well as hers) to vent her anger, try to part me from my money, get my approval to do all the unhealthy things I was trying to steer her away from. the day was weird for me because it was perhaps my first day being truly myself with my family. I enjoyed it. I came away with the realisation that my life is good.
My childhood was not all bad, although I had recently connected with the parts of it that had confused my inner child. Yesterday I connected with the many parts that had been good. As my mother and I sorted through old patterns, oh god that seems like a metaphor but it is not, we sorted through old dressmaking patterns, wool and fabrics, so that I could do some more crochet and dressmaking. Currently I am crocheting a blanket for myself for the winter, more a comforter/rug than a blanket. It is from scraps of wool I had and got gifted to me. I am now embarking on the crocheting together the left over wool that my mother had kept from all the jumpers and socks and cardigans she knitted over the years. It was a real exercise in memory to think of all the different fabrics we used to make the clothes. My mother taught me to sew before I could even write and the skill was passed to her by her mother. Now it is time to pass it on to my children, even if they do not learn by doing they might learn by watching. I am crocheting what my teenager called the St Bridget's cloak. Each day I work on it it grows alarmingly, by combining together wool of different textures and coulors I can blend a blanket of memories and warmth. I may be a little childlike in my innocence at present but that too will pass and I will grow.
I also left with my dads binoculars.
I have such wonderful memories of looking at ships in the distance through them, jellyfish ahoy!, of sunny days in the summer gazing at beetles in the grass , when I was trusted not to break the binoculars. My father cared for all his tools and possessions. He always said to put things back in their right place when you had finished with them and look after all your tools properly by maintaining them and putting them away in their protective cases. This is again not a metaphor, he was a maintenance fitter and his work was all about maintaining the pumps and fitting of the local waterworks. His father before him also had the same job. I suppose the lesson here is; I have the tools. If I care for them, put them away in the right way when I dont need them, those tools will always be with me and I can pass them down to my children and grandchildren. Beliefs are transgenarational, so are patterns of behavior but I have been passed on good as well as bad ones. I was taught how to sew, knit crochet, tend a well, care for tools, cook, garden; all the tools to create a home. So here I am woman, child, mother, lover, engineer, homemaker, artist, and part time philosopher, talker of psychobabble, writer of depression recovery blogs and haiku.
Happy Easter Monday
So go and find the tools you need to reconnect up all the parts of your life, good and bad. You will be all the better and richer for it. Today's blog was written while listening to lyric fm , right now they are playing the Easter Parade. We are all individuals. So be yourself and have a :-) Happy happy Easter.
What is next, manage the blood sugar levels, perhaps it is not anxiety maybe it is low blood sugar, the cure, protein filled breakfast and sugary tea. That worked; pat on the back to me. Next the feeling that I am living in a bowl of jelly , that had to go so that I could drive, I bookmarked a load of sites on the Internet surely I thought there is one there that can help me leave the house. And yes, you guessed it there was EFT, emotional freedom technique. I needed to release the bad feeling that had built up during the very stressful fortnight I had experienced, I needed to accept myself so that I was OK to be me. So I followed the exercise., and again you guessed right , it worked. Gradually by forming and remembering the habits that helped me get well again, I was able to cope with a potentially very stressful event, an hour long drive with my teenage daughter who was likely to use the hour of captivity(mine as well as hers) to vent her anger, try to part me from my money, get my approval to do all the unhealthy things I was trying to steer her away from. the day was weird for me because it was perhaps my first day being truly myself with my family. I enjoyed it. I came away with the realisation that my life is good.
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| Transgenerational periwinkles |
My childhood was not all bad, although I had recently connected with the parts of it that had confused my inner child. Yesterday I connected with the many parts that had been good. As my mother and I sorted through old patterns, oh god that seems like a metaphor but it is not, we sorted through old dressmaking patterns, wool and fabrics, so that I could do some more crochet and dressmaking. Currently I am crocheting a blanket for myself for the winter, more a comforter/rug than a blanket. It is from scraps of wool I had and got gifted to me. I am now embarking on the crocheting together the left over wool that my mother had kept from all the jumpers and socks and cardigans she knitted over the years. It was a real exercise in memory to think of all the different fabrics we used to make the clothes. My mother taught me to sew before I could even write and the skill was passed to her by her mother. Now it is time to pass it on to my children, even if they do not learn by doing they might learn by watching. I am crocheting what my teenager called the St Bridget's cloak. Each day I work on it it grows alarmingly, by combining together wool of different textures and coulors I can blend a blanket of memories and warmth. I may be a little childlike in my innocence at present but that too will pass and I will grow.
I also left with my dads binoculars.
I have such wonderful memories of looking at ships in the distance through them, jellyfish ahoy!, of sunny days in the summer gazing at beetles in the grass , when I was trusted not to break the binoculars. My father cared for all his tools and possessions. He always said to put things back in their right place when you had finished with them and look after all your tools properly by maintaining them and putting them away in their protective cases. This is again not a metaphor, he was a maintenance fitter and his work was all about maintaining the pumps and fitting of the local waterworks. His father before him also had the same job. I suppose the lesson here is; I have the tools. If I care for them, put them away in the right way when I dont need them, those tools will always be with me and I can pass them down to my children and grandchildren. Beliefs are transgenarational, so are patterns of behavior but I have been passed on good as well as bad ones. I was taught how to sew, knit crochet, tend a well, care for tools, cook, garden; all the tools to create a home. So here I am woman, child, mother, lover, engineer, homemaker, artist, and part time philosopher, talker of psychobabble, writer of depression recovery blogs and haiku.
Happy Easter Monday
So go and find the tools you need to reconnect up all the parts of your life, good and bad. You will be all the better and richer for it. Today's blog was written while listening to lyric fm , right now they are playing the Easter Parade. We are all individuals. So be yourself and have a :-) Happy happy Easter.
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