Love is.....................................
peace friends
contentment o ptimism family friends
hope knowledge
friends luck history
connectedness roots
wings pets
lovers flowers
meaning to my existence music and dance
art colour
fun games
meeting of minds comfort
joy singing
pleasure organisation
spirituality forgiveness
creativity contentment
hugs
and walking barefoot on the sand watching gannets .
Today I realised my episode was drawing to a conclusion. I am due for an assessment by the occupational health next week to see how best my employer can facilitate my return to work and when I am likely to return. When I got the letter first I thought that they were going to say that I would never be allowed back to work. then I thought well they will send me back immediately. Both are extremes in some ways. Since I am no longer depressed and I finally feel happy I don't want to go back to the old life I had. I am still living with the visits of Tina but I am making peace with my anxiety and learning ways of lessening it. Mostly by expressing my fears and having someone reality test them for me. I have used that technique to deal with many issues, I explain that I am not able to cope very well with the task in hand that is making me nervous or anxious and I ask for their patience and help. It is generally always forthcoming and if it is not them I know that its not my stuff but theirs. Today I reached the full circle in many ways. I felt like a barefoot walk on the sand in the midst of a fine blustery day with the dark purple clouds whooshing overhead , coming from the Atlantic at great speed. It is a day I would love to be a bird flashing though the air, being blown up and tumbled around. I imagine it would be great fun. So when I dropped my youngest to school I got a mad notion to go to the beach and walk barefoot on the sand. I would have just enough time to get back home and tidy myself up before I had to go to the doctor. ( I was concerned that I was getting hyper and not just experiencing an increase in energy, (am just feeling more energetic , yippee)) I had a bracing walk along the beach and decided to sit on my favourite rock and watch the tops of the waves being blown into spray by the wind. I started to watch the birds, curlews all happy in a flock, a few terns dabbling at the shoreline, big fat crows tumbling through the air having great fun. Then I aw the gulls behaving like gannets. I kept watching and realised that they were gannets. I never aw them here before. Watching gannets dive for fish is a real Joy in life. Their strong beautiful wings, vivid white and black tips, they glowed in the sun against a backdrop of grey and purple, green and more green more September than may but exhilarating. I remembered some of the odd things I had been doing over the last year and my trips to the beach to find solitude and contentment. Last October I could not relax, I could not feel anything except Waves and waves of panic. I didn't know what to do with myself and could not see any way out of my horrible horrible life. Today I sat there and wanted to go back in time to tell myself that in 6 months I would be back here on another stormy day, walking barefoot on the sand again. this time being able to feel a range of emotion, being able to feel the winds and sea spray, the warmth of the sun and the cool of the breeze. I would see the gannets and crows living their lives and I would be living again. It is time to move on to the next chapter in life. Today might be the day to launch the kites my children got as a present from china.
Happy Thursday
Sometimes we need to get lost to find yourself, so im off to make a kite ,
go off and indulge in your favourite childhood activity and think of what happiness means to you .
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