ohf what a d

Oh holy F**k what a day. Thank god I have finally got my stuff together as all my strength was called on today.  It is surprising how well I coped, or is it? I have spent 4 months having a weekly counselling session, once I could read I read all sorts of things, then I also devoured loads of information form the Internet, listened to the advice of many people.  Today I acted as if I was a well adjusted woman, and I surprised myself when I realised I was.  The peace of mind I have craved for so long may not be with me every minute of every day but today I did what I needed to decompress and not carry all my anger and frustration into tomorrow.  when I came home today from a day that challenged me to my limits I was greeted by x having a hissey fit over bin bags, then I remembered why he was x, how many times had I arrived home in the past in need of a comforting hug and a cup of tea.  In need of a bit of TLC and a foot rub, just 5 minutes of peace and quite as I adjusted to home life after a draining day at work only to be greeted by rage and anger.  It sucked my soul away.  Today I just did not want his anger, yes he was pulling his weight with the childcare but I deserve more.  I did not deserve all the anger that was thrown at me today.  I did give some out too but it was out of frustration.  so tonight after a very very very draining day I decided to leave him with his anger and I walked it off.  I put on my favourite jacket and walked my favourite walk.  It was so much better than lying in bed crying like I wanted to do.  I thought of how other people are greeted when they return home and decided to practice my welcome and my return home to make it as happy for everyone as possible.  We all need to be greeted in a caring way.  I know I am so soft hearted that I am easily taken advantage of but I think ?I am learning.  Today I held tough , I was not angry but when I needed to revive I did so and made no apologies about it.  my teen daughter had a bit of a rant at me today and in the midst of it asked me why I felt it was OK for me to express my feelings about a particular issue, she said she could not, I replied because I am OK with expressing my feelings and she asked, well shouted why is that then, and i realised because I am OK with who I am.  I am OK with who I am.  I can listen to criticism about me and it does not mean that I have to accept it of even agree with it,.  Someone Else's opinion of me and what I am doing does not matter to me as I know I am doing what is right for me. some of my ideas are a little unconventional, many people disagree with them but I think it is important to treat people with love.  X asked me today what I was getting back from giving so much to my daughter and getting nothing in return and ?I realised that I was giving unconditional love, something that he had never been given.  I have been unable to recognise that I can give unconditionally.  I am  doing all this for her because I love her.  I suppose I am treading a fine line between mollycoddling her and loving her in his eyes but once I loved him too, thankfully it was not unconditionally and i escaped from the anger and rage.  If I had been able to communicate then as well as I can now perhaps we would have stayed married but I am a mother to my children and never wanted to be one to my husband.  I love my children unconditionally but not blindly.  I am seeking help to be certain that I am not fooled by them. i am  so gullible that it is so easy to fool me but I am no push over any more.  I am the Himalayas strong and immovable but providing a safe place to set down roots and plenty of cliffs from which to stretch your wings.  I brought in X so that I would not be fooled by mychildren during this very trying time as the responsible parent I need to recognise when he is no longer able to cope with the strain and I must now shoulder the burden again until he has recharged.  It is not my intention to be piggy in the middle anymore but when we co parent it is that co -parenting not him going off and deciding things without me and expecting me to agree.  We need a strategy to move forward.  I love my daughter unconditionally but that does not mean that there are no rules, or boundaries.  I have boundarieshe strength to get through this and heal too. 
Physiological healing is the restoration of damaged living tissue to normal function. Emotional healing is the restoration and repair of a damaged spirit. Can we heal if we do not realise we are damaged perhaps ;we can but will the healing be complete?


Happy Tuesday 
So today when you go home or when visitors arrive or even if it is just a nuisance caller greet them with warmth and appreciate how nice it is to be given a warm welcome, just like a loyal dog would , no judgement, no anger just pleased to see tehm and happy that they have called. :-)