I decided to buy a house. I have decided the time is right for me to settle down, at 44, I feel all grown up at last. for years I felt like a second class citizen, I did not buy into the property mania. I stuck to my core values, people thought I was weird and crazy not to buy a house. You will be too old to get a mortgage, you cant rent forever, why cant you just take out a loan, everyone is doing it. I just could not . As my dad said they are all out of step except you.
and they were. I wondered why people were borrowing huge amounts of money and how they could afford it. I could barely afford my lifestyle and yet the cars were getting bigger and bigger as were the houses, the beauty treatments, the holidays, the presents. How could I compete, and what was wrong with me. So I just paddled my own canoe as always , generally upstream against the flow. But I ran out of paddle power and went a drift. Last summer I spent a very beautiful day with a friend walking the riverbank looking at nature. It was the first time either of us had stopped to just idle away an afternoon with nothing else to do except enjoy the sun and each others company. We discovered our common love of medowsweet and told each other stories of our childhood memories of the country side. I watched two boys on a raft float with the river downstream. they were really enjoying themselves. they saw us and shouted over what a lovely day it was. It was remarkably lovely , a day I will remember as one of those fond memories I will look back on when I am an old lady.
I am still crocheting my st Bridget's blanket with the left over wool from my mother and granny and it is bringing back happy childhood , and some unhappy, memories , memories of what eh wool was made into. I have bought a few balls of wool just to mix through it to add texture and colour to some of the school jumper greys and daddy's sock browns. The blanket is turning out well and I am just the first section already to cover my feet at night.
It is important to have an integrated life, to have balance to enjoy things and not try to fit into other peoples view of the world. I stuck to my values of only buying what you can afford( not fully) but of not over borrowing I suppose , I did not buy a house just to have a house. I have always wanted my own home and i was not ready to make a home as I did not know how. A home is made of love, It is made of memories, good and bad. A home is where you know you are safe, safe and secure. I finally realised I am ready for my own home again. Because my childhood memories were shadowed by a discovery at 21 I negated all the happy memories I had. I felt ashamed that I had been happy in the home that house a lie and a secret. but the secret was not mine and I did not lie. My memories are real as was my shock and my sadness. My shame was not mine and I have given it back to where it belongs. I have forgiven them, it was not their fault that I felt like that and I did not even know I did until recently. I no longer trusted myself and looked to others for guidance. I did not choose the right guides either. Now I have healed. I am fully aware of my pain and hurts. I am entitled to my opinions and if other people disagree I can ask them to support their argument with evidence. I am facing up to my limits and I can no longer work beyond them because my body has said stop. Now I am happily floating down the river of life, going with the flow. What about the canine couture of the title. I am minding a dog , the cutest little pappion. As part of my reconnection with the past, and the happy memories, I am sewing and designing clothes again. I made clothes for my dolls and progressed to clothes for myself. I was inspired to make some clothes for him and am off to get out my sewing machine and start on the happy afternoon of canine couture. A fez and a waist coat I think. I bought some silk ties in the local charity shops and should be able to make some lovely outfits from that. His owner is indulging me and I am planning on making a few more outfits for other peoples dogs. If you told me 6 months ago I would be having breakfast in the garden on a picnic rug planning a full scale picnic for the family and designing clothes for dogs I would have told you you are crazy. but that day by the riverbank opened up my life to me again. I went and bought the picnic rug later that week so that me and my friend could enjoy other days out like that. But life conspired against me and we never did. I wonder what life would have been like if we had. I probably would never have had this life altering episode. I would never have reconnected with myself. I might even have lost my relationship with my children entirely. but that awakening, although painful , lead me to here and to happiness.
Happiness is a warm dog in a fez, chocolate Brownies and raspberry jam on a picnic rug in the garden. It is all about realising that you are enough as you are.
You are enough as you are and so am I.
Indulge yourslf and your need to make canine millinary or what ever else you think is a bit eccentirc. I love this Dali clip.
Happy Sunday
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