Yesterday I felt the familiar feelings of despair and anger I began to wonder if I had really made any progress at all. I started to feel sorry for myself. Then in the course of conversation with a friend later in the day I realised I had made progress. I realised my thinking had changed. As I listened to him talk about how fixed things were and how we cannot really change. I realised that perhaps he was right maybe we dont really change but I also realised that we can change how we think about things. I had changed how I think. I also have self belief so when someone makes a statesment I disagree with I dont need to argue with them to prove I am right. When I believe in myself I dont need to constantly prove myself to anyone. I see so many people arguing about small irrelevant things. I see their need to be right. It used to really really annoy me. I examined that trait in myself. If I know I am right does it matter if everyone else thinks so also. I think the main cause of my episode was when I lost my self belief. Up until that time I was stressed but I coped relatively well. It was when I lost hope and my senses of who I was that I went down. I focused too much on the bad stuff. It was only the time away from the world that allowed me to heal all the past hurts I never acknowledged. I focused on keeping going and staying strong, but it is ok to show that you are hurt, it is ok to admit that you cant do everything, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to be vulnerable and unsure.
So what else have I learned. I suppose the importance of rest and recuperation after any event that is taxing. To recognise my energy levels and not to force myself to do things when I feel low energy but to rest a little to let my energy levels rise. I have learned to speak out about how I feel. I have learned to stay with myself and not be blown around by the whims of others. I have learned to show my vulnerability. I think that is the most important lesson. No-one expects me to be perfect so why should I expect me to be perfect. We all have flaws but being depressed is not a flaw it is an illness. It can be healed with the correct medical and psychological attention. Once our mind, soul and memory heal we can then address the stressors in our lives from a place of power rather than fear. Addressing our negative thinking frees us from that awful downward spiral of what if, what will happen if, if that happens i wont cope, etc etc, .
What will make me more resiliant to stress? I really dont know. The scientific explanation of stress is force divided by area. How much stress is caused depends on the amount of force and also the area on which its acting. Reducing stress means reducing either the force or increasing the area. How can I increase that area on which the force acts?? What does that mean for me, I think perhaps it is all about sharing the burden more, asking for more pillars to hold up that force, finding a shield to protect me from the force, maybe covering myself with something springy so that the force bounces off, I think perhaps I have found what I need to meditate on today. I need to look at ways of reducing the force, ie the demands on me, and also on ways of increasing the area, my resilance. I need to be more elastic and get some bounce back, think its time to get me a pogo stick. :-)
Happy Tuesday.
So what else have I learned. I suppose the importance of rest and recuperation after any event that is taxing. To recognise my energy levels and not to force myself to do things when I feel low energy but to rest a little to let my energy levels rise. I have learned to speak out about how I feel. I have learned to stay with myself and not be blown around by the whims of others. I have learned to show my vulnerability. I think that is the most important lesson. No-one expects me to be perfect so why should I expect me to be perfect. We all have flaws but being depressed is not a flaw it is an illness. It can be healed with the correct medical and psychological attention. Once our mind, soul and memory heal we can then address the stressors in our lives from a place of power rather than fear. Addressing our negative thinking frees us from that awful downward spiral of what if, what will happen if, if that happens i wont cope, etc etc, .
What will make me more resiliant to stress? I really dont know. The scientific explanation of stress is force divided by area. How much stress is caused depends on the amount of force and also the area on which its acting. Reducing stress means reducing either the force or increasing the area. How can I increase that area on which the force acts?? What does that mean for me, I think perhaps it is all about sharing the burden more, asking for more pillars to hold up that force, finding a shield to protect me from the force, maybe covering myself with something springy so that the force bounces off, I think perhaps I have found what I need to meditate on today. I need to look at ways of reducing the force, ie the demands on me, and also on ways of increasing the area, my resilance. I need to be more elastic and get some bounce back, think its time to get me a pogo stick. :-)
Happy Tuesday.
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