projections; the man in the pink jumper

Well today is the first day of Stage 2 as I have chosen to think of it.  Finally I have come to terms with my episode.  Now I want to learn how to maintain positive mental health.  I used the metaphor and visualisation of the growth of a butterfly from egg to butterfly to help me understand that this is a process.  I thought of the stages, the eggs, the eggs hatching, the caterpillar, the cocoon, the newly hatched butterfly drying her wings, the finished butterfly.  I did not give one single thought to the life of the butterfly; my aim was to be a butterfly.  Well that is just the beginning.  Being OK again is not the goal.  Living a meaningful, happy, contented, full life that I enjoy, is now my aim.  I need a new metaphor or maybe I dont.  When I was unwell I could not formulate words and numbers very well, I could not speak coherently or verbalise my emotional state or thoughts, I could write a little but the spelling was poor, I could not multiply or conceptualise quantities, I could not judge distance, but I could create images both on paper and in my mind, I could explain things in metaphors.  I now entered the real worked again where I have no need for metaphors.  In some ways it is a little sad to leave silly crazy Jane behind and be a grown up but I can carry the simplicity and joy of my awakening with me.  I can remember the first day I noticed the birds in the garden, the first day I enjoyed something, the absolute esctacy that I could feel pleasure again over something as simple as a painting, or a piece of music, the first day I reconnected with myself and with other people.  Stage 2 will have its own challenges.  Today I encountered the first challenge, not to project what I think people are thinking onto people.  I felt someone watching me as I walked through the shopping center today.  When I looked around to see who it was I saw a colleague of mine look away from me.  I jumped to the conclusion that he did not like me and did not want to talk to me, my initial pleasure that I spotted someone I knew from work and how nice it would be to catch up was replaced by that all too familiar feeling of shame.  OMG I thought that I had left that go.  So why did I react like that.  I suppose I am carrying around a subconcious belief that what happened was shameful, why could I not cope, what kind of mess did I leave after me, who had to clear it up, what did they say about me, how will they treat me when I do go back to work.  but I need to remind myself that this is a normal reaction for someone who was visited by the black dog.  I have sent the black dog away as he did not serve me well.  Now I am hearing his pitiful howls and i am feeling sorry for him and am thinking of bringing him back into my home to care for him.  A visit from the black dog of depression is unpleasant.  If I hear his howls I must find a way of making peace with myself and not react how I used to.  Ok so someone saw me then looked away.  He could have been thinking about his dinner, or the affair he was planning, or just how fantastic I was looking, or what he would be having for dinner, or he could be thinking what I thought he was thinking.  Either way I am projecting and this is an unhealthy thing to do.  I can only deal in the facts.  What have I learned to do to free myself from that. Well I could do the eft tapping, I could go for a walk, I could do something creative, I could meditate, I could ring him up and ask him (perhaps not) I could form a strategy for how I will react if this happens again.  I can remind myself of the colleagues that have been so kind to me during my episode, I can look at the pictures of the dinner I attended with them as an ice breaker to my return, I can call into the office and meet people face to face a few times so that they can get used to me being around.  I will have to expect a certain amount of that type of reaction , people carry around their own stuff and its theirs, I can only dealt with my stuff and help my children deal with theirs every one else, well they will just have to find their own path.  My path is my life.  I think that this next stage is learning how to be around others, appropriateness, communication, image, evidence of my wellness and my ability to live my life after my episode is what this is all about for me.  I think that perhaps I need to do a repeat of the earlier metamorphosis by concentrating on the basics, healthy body, nutritious food, clean house, bills paid on time, adequate budgeting, time for myself, time for my family, time for my friends and yes the motto of 2011,

Balance in all things.  

The aim to be good enough .  As my 10 year old pointed out this morning "you are not invincible" as i was singing Helen Reddy's song out on the top of my voice this morning.  I am not invincible but I am strong, I can face what I need to face.  I need to prepare for the possible challenges of my return to work in a new way.  Last night I was thinking about what lead me to open the door to the black dog.  I think it was that I tried so had to avoid things.  I had to eliminate all the obstacles I could think of before I could do anything. OMG I have a very good imagination, I could come up with so many things that could go wrong.  I valued my single mindedness so much and now, well now things are different.  I am not invincible, I am not superwoman, I am Jane.  This time I don't need to try harder, why would you try hard when you could try easy.  I will try easier, I will look at all the things that are needed to be done to make things go right.  I used to think like that, I would just do what was needed to get things done.  I don't know when I started to freeze up but I have thawed.  Today I will try everything easier.  I will wash up easier, I will live easier, soon easy will be the norm.  My life is not hard, I don't want for anything.  I can call in the expertise of others when I need it.  I was born to have an easy life, so why did I complicated it.  I have realised so much and let go but there will always be new stuff to let go.  My initial goal to get better was a good one.  Now my goal is to stay well.  So thank you to the man in the pink jumper for today's insight.  I would hug you but I project that you would think I was crazy.  :-)  wow blogging is good for the soul. 

Happy Saturday 

So go and try easier don't try harder.  Today go easy on yourself and others and enjoy the ease of your life, and dont forget to do it gradually and with love.   

So go out in the garden or park or balcony or just the sofa, take your ease and think of all the easyness ahead of you.  Getting up with ease, working with ease, cooking with ease, living with ease, loveing with ease, forgineing with ease.letting go with ease.

Easey peasy lemon squeezy.

time to get me a pogo stick and other thoughts

Yesterday I felt the familiar feelings of despair and anger   I began to wonder if I had really  made any progress at all.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  Then in the course of conversation with a friend later in the day I realised I had made progress.  I realised my thinking had changed.  As I listened to him talk about how fixed things were and how we cannot really change. I realised that perhaps he was right maybe we dont really change but I also realised that we can change how we think about things.  I had changed how I think.  I also have self belief so when someone makes a statesment I disagree with I dont need to argue with them to prove I am right.  When I believe in myself I dont need to constantly prove myself to anyone.  I see so many people arguing about small irrelevant things.  I see their need to be right.   It used to really really annoy me. I examined that trait in myself.  If I know I am right does it matter if everyone else thinks so also.  I think the main cause of my episode was when I lost my self belief.  Up until that time I was stressed but I coped relatively well.  It was when I lost hope and my senses of who I was that I went down.  I focused too much on the bad stuff.  It was only the time away from the world that allowed me to heal all the past hurts I never acknowledged.  I focused on keeping going and staying strong, but it is ok to show that you are hurt, it is ok to admit that you cant do everything, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to be vulnerable and unsure.

So what else have I learned.  I suppose the importance of rest and recuperation after any event that is taxing.  To recognise my energy levels and not to force myself to do things when I feel low energy but to rest a little to let my energy levels rise.  I have learned to speak out about how I feel. I have learned to stay with myself and not be blown around by the whims of others.  I have learned to show my vulnerability.  I think that is the most important lesson.  No-one expects me to be perfect so why should I expect me to be perfect.  We all have flaws but being depressed is not a flaw it is an illness.  It can be healed with the correct medical and psychological attention.  Once our mind, soul and memory heal we can then address the stressors in our lives from a place of power rather than fear.  Addressing our negative thinking frees us from that awful downward spiral of what if, what will happen if, if that happens i wont cope, etc etc, .

What will make me more resiliant to stress?  I really dont know.   The scientific explanation of stress is force divided by area.  How much stress is caused depends on the amount of force and also the area on which its acting.  Reducing stress means reducing either the force or increasing the area.  How can I increase that area on which the force acts??  What does that mean for me, I think perhaps it is all about sharing the burden more, asking for more pillars to hold up that force, finding a shield to protect me from the force, maybe covering myself with something springy so that the force bounces off, I think perhaps I have found what I need to meditate on today.  I need to look at ways of reducing the force, ie the demands on me, and also on ways of increasing the area,  my resilance.   I need to be more elastic and get some bounce back, think its time to get me a pogo stick. :-)

Happy Tuesday.

small steps to success-letting go

For the last 4 months I have searched for myself.  

Last week I stopped looking. 

As is the case once you stop looking you often find the thing you lost. 

It happened when I stopped forcing myself to reappear and just let go.  I read about letting go, I tried to let go, I tried to force myself to let go, and finally when I had exhausted every method I could think of I gave up trying.  LOL , that is what letting go is all about.  It is like flinging yourself off a great height and not thinking about what the landing will be like, or where you will end up, or if someone will be there to catch you, or if you will crash onto the rocks and smash, or a million other things that come into the exhausted brain.  

For me letting go was like flopping backwards into an abyss and discovering that, instead of being crushed on the rocks, I was being cradled gently in a soft fluffy feather and floating on a warm gentle breeze. I had forgotten about all the feathers I had laid out to catch myself when I fell, about all the feathers others had sent to catch me, about all the good things in the world, about all the kindness and compassion out in the world.  It is there for everyone when they are open to it.  I had heard and read that so often, I never understood it on an emotional level.  I read so much, too much, I tried to understand it , instead I needed to feel it.  So often that wonderful brain of ours tries so hard to understand that it shuts off our emotions as they are so painful.  It is only trying to protect us.  But its ok to feel even if those feelings are painful, because we can let go of the feelings, just like we can let go of the baggage, fling it off train, out of the window, into the sea, anywhere where we want. 

So I let go, I gave myself permission to let the tension go, forget about all the things I need to do, let go of my expectations, of the expectations of others, of all those limiting beliefs, of all the things that do not make me happy, of the grief for the past, of the broken relationships, of the unhealthy things that keep me down, of the limits others have set for me, of the guilt, the sadness, the failures, the success, the achievements, the shame, the embarrassment, the hope, the things that I thought defined me, the perfectionism, the need for approval, the worry about money, the worry about the children, the insanity of the stolen relationship, the waiting for that text, the stress of what other bad news is going to reveal itself next; all the things that weighed me down.  I threw away the baggage.  I laid down the burden.  It is my fervent wish that I never pick it up again. 

I came back to myself when I let go. 

So let go, float, be free, every day is a new day. 

Let go of yesterday and take another small step forward.  Another step to a successful recovery of yourself. Remember that when you stay with yourself you are never alone.

While I was writing this I listened to Cat Stephens Morning has Broken.  It is uplifting and soothing. If you are reading this try playing it now and float away.