projections; the man in the pink jumper

Well today is the first day of Stage 2 as I have chosen to think of it.  Finally I have come to terms with my episode.  Now I want to learn how to maintain positive mental health.  I used the metaphor and visualisation of the growth of a butterfly from egg to butterfly to help me understand that this is a process.  I thought of the stages, the eggs, the eggs hatching, the caterpillar, the cocoon, the newly hatched butterfly drying her wings, the finished butterfly.  I did not give one single thought to the life of the butterfly; my aim was to be a butterfly.  Well that is just the beginning.  Being OK again is not the goal.  Living a meaningful, happy, contented, full life that I enjoy, is now my aim.  I need a new metaphor or maybe I dont.  When I was unwell I could not formulate words and numbers very well, I could not speak coherently or verbalise my emotional state or thoughts, I could write a little but the spelling was poor, I could not multiply or conceptualise quantities, I could not judge distance, but I could create images both on paper and in my mind, I could explain things in metaphors.  I now entered the real worked again where I have no need for metaphors.  In some ways it is a little sad to leave silly crazy Jane behind and be a grown up but I can carry the simplicity and joy of my awakening with me.  I can remember the first day I noticed the birds in the garden, the first day I enjoyed something, the absolute esctacy that I could feel pleasure again over something as simple as a painting, or a piece of music, the first day I reconnected with myself and with other people.  Stage 2 will have its own challenges.  Today I encountered the first challenge, not to project what I think people are thinking onto people.  I felt someone watching me as I walked through the shopping center today.  When I looked around to see who it was I saw a colleague of mine look away from me.  I jumped to the conclusion that he did not like me and did not want to talk to me, my initial pleasure that I spotted someone I knew from work and how nice it would be to catch up was replaced by that all too familiar feeling of shame.  OMG I thought that I had left that go.  So why did I react like that.  I suppose I am carrying around a subconcious belief that what happened was shameful, why could I not cope, what kind of mess did I leave after me, who had to clear it up, what did they say about me, how will they treat me when I do go back to work.  but I need to remind myself that this is a normal reaction for someone who was visited by the black dog.  I have sent the black dog away as he did not serve me well.  Now I am hearing his pitiful howls and i am feeling sorry for him and am thinking of bringing him back into my home to care for him.  A visit from the black dog of depression is unpleasant.  If I hear his howls I must find a way of making peace with myself and not react how I used to.  Ok so someone saw me then looked away.  He could have been thinking about his dinner, or the affair he was planning, or just how fantastic I was looking, or what he would be having for dinner, or he could be thinking what I thought he was thinking.  Either way I am projecting and this is an unhealthy thing to do.  I can only deal in the facts.  What have I learned to do to free myself from that. Well I could do the eft tapping, I could go for a walk, I could do something creative, I could meditate, I could ring him up and ask him (perhaps not) I could form a strategy for how I will react if this happens again.  I can remind myself of the colleagues that have been so kind to me during my episode, I can look at the pictures of the dinner I attended with them as an ice breaker to my return, I can call into the office and meet people face to face a few times so that they can get used to me being around.  I will have to expect a certain amount of that type of reaction , people carry around their own stuff and its theirs, I can only dealt with my stuff and help my children deal with theirs every one else, well they will just have to find their own path.  My path is my life.  I think that this next stage is learning how to be around others, appropriateness, communication, image, evidence of my wellness and my ability to live my life after my episode is what this is all about for me.  I think that perhaps I need to do a repeat of the earlier metamorphosis by concentrating on the basics, healthy body, nutritious food, clean house, bills paid on time, adequate budgeting, time for myself, time for my family, time for my friends and yes the motto of 2011,

Balance in all things.  

The aim to be good enough .  As my 10 year old pointed out this morning "you are not invincible" as i was singing Helen Reddy's song out on the top of my voice this morning.  I am not invincible but I am strong, I can face what I need to face.  I need to prepare for the possible challenges of my return to work in a new way.  Last night I was thinking about what lead me to open the door to the black dog.  I think it was that I tried so had to avoid things.  I had to eliminate all the obstacles I could think of before I could do anything. OMG I have a very good imagination, I could come up with so many things that could go wrong.  I valued my single mindedness so much and now, well now things are different.  I am not invincible, I am not superwoman, I am Jane.  This time I don't need to try harder, why would you try hard when you could try easy.  I will try easier, I will look at all the things that are needed to be done to make things go right.  I used to think like that, I would just do what was needed to get things done.  I don't know when I started to freeze up but I have thawed.  Today I will try everything easier.  I will wash up easier, I will live easier, soon easy will be the norm.  My life is not hard, I don't want for anything.  I can call in the expertise of others when I need it.  I was born to have an easy life, so why did I complicated it.  I have realised so much and let go but there will always be new stuff to let go.  My initial goal to get better was a good one.  Now my goal is to stay well.  So thank you to the man in the pink jumper for today's insight.  I would hug you but I project that you would think I was crazy.  :-)  wow blogging is good for the soul. 

Happy Saturday 

So go and try easier don't try harder.  Today go easy on yourself and others and enjoy the ease of your life, and dont forget to do it gradually and with love.   

So go out in the garden or park or balcony or just the sofa, take your ease and think of all the easyness ahead of you.  Getting up with ease, working with ease, cooking with ease, living with ease, loveing with ease, forgineing with ease.letting go with ease.

Easey peasy lemon squeezy.

lessons of the amazon guriella breastfeeding women

i was a member of La leche league after my first child was born until my younger child was around 3 and fully weaned.  I learned the art of mothering from many of the beautiful and wise women I met through that great organisation.  when I depressed I lost alot of my memory and while I was stressing before I depressed I ignored many of the things I learned since I became a mother.  When I found out I was pregnant with my first child I thought I would rather have been told I was dying.  I never wanted children and my relationship with my daughters father was not one that I thought was suitable to bring a child into, apologies for grammar there. I decided to have an abortion as this is what all sensible girls do , and I was a sensible girl.  but my hormones and my body decided that this was not something to be sensible about.  Through a series of encounters I ended up at the hospital to see if I was still pregnant and while waiting for my scan I met a woman who changed my life.  She had just had a miscarriage and I thought that I had had one, no point in paying for an abortion if it was not needed, to make a short story long, as we say here, she extolled the joys of motherhood, the pleasure of bringing children into the world, the joys of nurturing than and was championing the case of home births in rural Ireland.  When I had my scan I saw the little life was still there, the doctor was overjoyed as he usually only got to see empty wombs at that clinic.  He pointed out the little prawn like creature that was my lovely daughter , she looked like a prawn, a big giant eye like thing and a tail, he told me that the blinking eye thing was her heart and she was alive.  It was magical.  I was no longer afflicted by a shameful and life ending tragedy but instead I had a life growing inside me, maybe he would be a scientist and cure cancer( I thought I would be having a boy) maybe he would be a great sportsman.

All I knew was I loved that little creature and I would always love him.  He was christened prawney at 7 weeks and 3 days old foetus age.  That day I learned more about what it was to be a mother than any other day in my life until yesterday when my lovely daughter cried like a baby and released all the pain and hurt she had been turning inward.  Being a mother is a wonderful experience but it does not stop when they are old enough to take care of themselves.  It is a gift of a lifetime from the minute they are conceived.  I met the lovely lady who had the miscarriage again when my lovely baby was 6 days old.  I was despairing of being able to feed my baby and was thinking I would have to resort to a bottle.  My partner decided that no child of his would be bottle fed and found the local la leche league .  I could not walk very well or even get dressed properly.  but the minute I went to my first meeting I met geraldine again, she glowed with the glow of pregnancy, as she had conceived twins, I was welcomed by that wonderful group of women as a sister, daughter and mother.  They showed me that we all need mothering, the phrase mothering the mother was one I heard often, mothers give birth , they give life, they nurture and care for others, but who cares for them.  We all need to remember the importance of mothering ourselves because if we fail to do that we have nothing left to give others.  My partner, now my ex husband, christened the group the amazon guerrilla breastfeeding women, he said that I could picture them going into battle, children on hips , breasts bared and the enemy running away screaming.  I had forgotten the lessons I learned there.  Besides mothering the mother my favourite was a chapter in the Womanly art of Breastfeeding , called Weaning gradually with love.  I always ask my children to make me tea with love as food always tastes better when it has been prepared with love.  Now I understand why I asked for that I was looking for nurturing too.  How wonderful would the world be if we did everything with love.  I can finally say I love myself unconditionally and am ready to live life with love.

So learn what you need to do to mother yourself, nurture yourself, remember the lessons of the past and live your life with love.  When you do have a habit you need to get change or something you need to move on from , do it in the manner of an amazon guerrilla breastfeeding woman; gradually and with love. The world is a small place full of the random encounter that prove to be major turning points in our lives, we are lucky if we can take the opportunities that the world is offering us and be open to and fearless of the possibility of change.

Happy Friday.