a new dawn , a new day

Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.  Nothing can be achieved without hope and confidence.

Late night chatting and telling my story, nearly at the end of my journey.  There is so much pain and suffering in the world that can be healed with love and kindness.  As I went home from my very long night I realised that my dark night of the soul was over.  I can accept help without guilt.  I can love without conditions.  I need to learn to trust again but now when I look into the abyss it is as if I am looking down from the sky to the earth through the clouds, like looking through a porthole to my happiness. As I drove home at 5am dawn was breaking and I was feeling good.  Its a new dawn, its a new day and I'm feeling good.

I took the scenic route home and detoured to watch the dawn at The Lookout.

Happy Saturday and goodnight.
So go off and find your dawn, I hope it is as beautiful as mine.

command the muscles

Very early on in my episode it was as much as I could do to get out of bed and sit in front of the tv all day.  I watched quite alot of rubbish, but I also saw some interesting programmes.  On one of the morning shows there was a woman describing exactly how I was feeling, particularly the anxiety.  I listened to her as she described a method she used to overcome the anxiety.  It was the Recovery Inc. method based on the work of Dr. Low.  It was like a miracle as she described how you command your muscles to act.  When you are stuck you need to change your thoughts to change your actions and vica versa.  I had heard that so many times but it was by connecting with my feelings, and by seeing someone who shared that feeling, and more importantly by seeing them on tv dealing with their very real anxiety that I understood what it meant.  So I tried it .  I closed my eyes and said move your hand, I moved my hand.  It became slightly more complicated the following day as I tried to get out of bed.  Who knew there are so many ways of getting out of bed.  I recommend you start by wriggling your toes.  Then stretch out your arms. Rotate your wrists.  Slowly sit up.  A few rotations of the neck.  The swing your legs to the side. Wriggle your bum over to the edge.  The the final push push against the bed with your arms and push against the ground with your feet.  There you go you are out of bed, was it so hard??

So from the small beginning of commanding my muscles to get out of bed I ventured further.  I started to make my bed every day.  When I was a child I loved to help my mother make the beds, especially on the bright sunny mornings when the dust flew up into he air and caught the light.  Again it looked like magical glitter to a 3 year old.  By making the happy association between the magical glitter, the happy feeling and making the bed i was able to turn a chore into an opportunity to feel better.  By commanding the muscle, by doing things in part acts I was able to piece myself together again and out of the blackness my soul reemerged.  It had not been fed for so long that it had withered.  Your soul needs to be nourished with joy and happiness, other wise  it will wither and hide.  Nourish your soul and life will be less bleak.

Happy Thursday.

time to get me a pogo stick and other thoughts

Yesterday I felt the familiar feelings of despair and anger   I began to wonder if I had really  made any progress at all.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  Then in the course of conversation with a friend later in the day I realised I had made progress.  I realised my thinking had changed.  As I listened to him talk about how fixed things were and how we cannot really change. I realised that perhaps he was right maybe we dont really change but I also realised that we can change how we think about things.  I had changed how I think.  I also have self belief so when someone makes a statesment I disagree with I dont need to argue with them to prove I am right.  When I believe in myself I dont need to constantly prove myself to anyone.  I see so many people arguing about small irrelevant things.  I see their need to be right.   It used to really really annoy me. I examined that trait in myself.  If I know I am right does it matter if everyone else thinks so also.  I think the main cause of my episode was when I lost my self belief.  Up until that time I was stressed but I coped relatively well.  It was when I lost hope and my senses of who I was that I went down.  I focused too much on the bad stuff.  It was only the time away from the world that allowed me to heal all the past hurts I never acknowledged.  I focused on keeping going and staying strong, but it is ok to show that you are hurt, it is ok to admit that you cant do everything, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to be vulnerable and unsure.

So what else have I learned.  I suppose the importance of rest and recuperation after any event that is taxing.  To recognise my energy levels and not to force myself to do things when I feel low energy but to rest a little to let my energy levels rise.  I have learned to speak out about how I feel. I have learned to stay with myself and not be blown around by the whims of others.  I have learned to show my vulnerability.  I think that is the most important lesson.  No-one expects me to be perfect so why should I expect me to be perfect.  We all have flaws but being depressed is not a flaw it is an illness.  It can be healed with the correct medical and psychological attention.  Once our mind, soul and memory heal we can then address the stressors in our lives from a place of power rather than fear.  Addressing our negative thinking frees us from that awful downward spiral of what if, what will happen if, if that happens i wont cope, etc etc, .

What will make me more resiliant to stress?  I really dont know.   The scientific explanation of stress is force divided by area.  How much stress is caused depends on the amount of force and also the area on which its acting.  Reducing stress means reducing either the force or increasing the area.  How can I increase that area on which the force acts??  What does that mean for me, I think perhaps it is all about sharing the burden more, asking for more pillars to hold up that force, finding a shield to protect me from the force, maybe covering myself with something springy so that the force bounces off, I think perhaps I have found what I need to meditate on today.  I need to look at ways of reducing the force, ie the demands on me, and also on ways of increasing the area,  my resilance.   I need to be more elastic and get some bounce back, think its time to get me a pogo stick. :-)

Happy Tuesday.

what i saw on the road to recovery

The first snow of winter

More winter snow , a rare sight here.

The most amazing carbonara sauce cooked by a 10 year old

Bubbles created by several organic bubble machines.

young love and an origami elephant

Something very strange at the Viceral exhibition

A swing

 Is it just me of does that look like eyes?

Eyes and a mouth?

wierd monster face or tree?

Adam and eve are in there somewhere, Why did he blame eve????

If you can't be yourself who can you be

Imagine every day was filled with happiness.  Imagine that everything you wanted just happened.  Image perfect peace and tranquility.  Are you finding it hard or easy to imagine these things.  If you are finding it easy give yourself a pat on the back, if you are finding it hard then imagine you are someone who finds it easy to imagine these things.  When I want to change, or when I see someone who has a trait I admire,  I imagine myself to be that person.  I ask myself what would x do, how would y solve that, if only I was a brave as z what would I do.  We all have the answers and solutions to our problems if only we are able to open our minds and let our inner self guide us.  If we stay true to ourselves, trust ourselves, believe in ourselves then we can be ourselves.  If you cant be yourself who can you be?  Sometimes by imagining ourselves as another person our true nature comes out.  By noticing what we like and dislike in others we can get to know our long suppressed self.

So be mindful of how you are reacting to others as they are all part of you.
Be yourself and be happy.

Happy Wednesday.