canine couture and wellness

I decided to buy a house.  I have decided the time is right for me to settle down, at 44, I feel all grown up at last.  for years I felt like a second class citizen, I did not buy into the property mania.  I stuck to my core values, people thought I was weird and crazy not to buy a house.  You will be too old to get a mortgage, you cant rent forever, why cant you just take out a loan, everyone is doing it. I just could not .  As my dad said they are all out of step except you. 

 and they were.  I wondered why people were borrowing huge amounts of money and how they could afford it.  I could barely afford my lifestyle and yet the cars were getting bigger and bigger as were the houses, the beauty treatments, the holidays, the presents.  How could I compete, and what was wrong with me. So I just paddled my own canoe as always , generally upstream against the flow.  But I ran out of paddle power and went a drift.  Last summer I spent a very beautiful day with a friend walking the riverbank looking at nature.  It was the first time either of us had stopped to just idle away an afternoon with nothing else to do except enjoy the sun and each others company.  We discovered our common love of medowsweet and told each other stories of our childhood memories of the country side.  I watched two boys on a raft float with the river downstream.  they were really enjoying themselves.  they saw us and shouted over what a lovely day it was.  It was remarkably lovely , a day I will remember as one of those fond memories I will look back on when I am an old lady.  

I am still crocheting my st Bridget's blanket with the left over wool from my mother and granny and it is bringing back happy childhood , and some unhappy, memories , memories of what eh wool was made into.  I have bought a few balls of wool just to mix through it to add texture and colour to some of the school jumper greys and daddy's sock browns.  The blanket is turning out well and I am just the first section already to cover my feet at night.  

It is important to have an integrated life, to have balance to enjoy things and not try to fit into other peoples view of the world.  I stuck to my values of only buying what you can afford( not fully) but of not over borrowing I suppose , I did not buy a house just to have a house.  I have always wanted my own home and i was not ready to make a home as I did not know how.  A home is made of love, It is made of memories, good and bad.  A home is where you know you are safe, safe and secure.  I finally realised I am ready for my own home again.  Because my childhood memories were shadowed by a discovery at 21 I negated all the happy memories I had.  I felt ashamed that I had been happy in the home that house a lie and a secret.  but the secret was not mine and I did not lie.  My memories are real as was my shock and my sadness.  My shame was not mine and I have given it back to where it belongs.  I have forgiven them, it was not their fault that I felt like that and I did not even know I did until recently.  I no longer trusted myself and looked to others for guidance.  I did not choose the right guides either.  Now I have healed.  I am fully aware of my pain and hurts.  I am entitled to my opinions and if other people disagree I can ask them to support their argument with evidence.  I am facing up to my limits and I can no longer work beyond them because my body has said stop.  Now I am happily floating down the river of life, going with the flow.  What about the canine couture of the title.  I am minding a dog , the cutest little pappion.  As part of my reconnection with the past, and the happy memories, I am sewing and designing clothes again.  I made clothes for my dolls and progressed to clothes for myself.   I was inspired to make some clothes for him and am off to get out my sewing machine and start on the happy afternoon of canine couture.  A fez and a waist coat I think.  I bought some silk ties in the local charity shops and should be able to make some lovely outfits from that.  His owner is indulging me and I am planning on making a few more outfits for other peoples dogs.  If you told me 6 months ago I would be having breakfast in the garden on a picnic rug planning a full scale picnic for the family and designing clothes for dogs I would have told you you are crazy.  but that day by the riverbank opened up my life to me again.  I went and bought the picnic rug later that week so that me and my friend could enjoy other days out like that.  But life conspired against me and we never did.      I wonder what life would have been like if we had.  I probably would never have had this life altering episode.  I would never have reconnected with myself.  I might even have lost my relationship with my children entirely.  but that awakening, although painful , lead me to here and to happiness.  

Happiness is a warm dog in a fez, chocolate Brownies and raspberry jam on a picnic rug in the garden.  It is all about realising that you are enough as you are. 

You are enough as you are and so am I.

Indulge yourslf and your need to make canine millinary or what ever else you think is a bit eccentirc.  I love this Dali clip. 

Happy Sunday 

you are looking well, you look very refreshed after your break

You are looking well, you look very refreshed after your break.  Oh god why do I just cringe when I hear that.  Yes I do look well , its a pity you cant see into my soul, is how I would like to respond, or sometimes I just want to say thank you but how did you expect me to look.  Or even F**k off you hypocrite, what you would like to say is Jane I thought you would look like a bag lady but you look normal, I bet there is nothing wrong with you, you have been faking it all this time , really you have been secretly off on holidays for 6 months.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Some people cross the street when they see me, either they dont want to speak to me because they are afraid I will unburden myself on them, they dont want to acknowledge the fact that if i can crumble then they can too, they are wrapped up in their lives and I am no longer a part of it.

There are those of course who give me their email address or number or invite me for coffee or lunch , those who unexpectedly show up with flowers and presents, those who show they care by comming up to me and hugging me.

There are those who come up to me and share their story of hurt, abuse or despair because they think I will understand it now.

I was always the same person, but I might not have understood.  I have been all of those people I describe above.

Today I have to deal with some very difficult stuff and I have devised a note to hand people when I cannot speak or understand because I am so overwhelmed.  It says;
I am anxious; when I get anxious I panic.  When I panic I do not understand what you are saying to me.  Can you please write down the most important part of what you are saying and what you need me to understand so that I can refer to it later when I am calm.  Thank you for being patient with me.  I might look fine but really I am too anxious to hear what you are saying to me properly right now.  I wrote this note to help me cope in moments of utter panic, When I am too overwhelmed to speak. Thank you for treating me with kindness and compassion.

I think it is worth a shot.  I look OK. I look like myself , the woman who can do what ever she puts her mind to .  I sound OK , I sound like the profession well educated woman that I am, but oh god how i feel is far from OK.  Do I need to be a crying jibbering idiot, with bad hygiene, weird hair speaking in tongues for people to understand that I am not able to function as well as I look and sound.  I have been struck dumb by the intensity of the confusion I feel some days.  When I can finally articulate what I was feeling many people tell me that is normal and they accept it as part of their life.  for me it is not what I think of as normal.  I had excellent recall, I could juggle chainsaws(metaphor) I could reason and understand.  I did not see the signs that how I saw myself was not really how I felt and I compartmentalised my life so that I could present the well adjusted image of myself to some people and hide the absolute terror I felt.  Joining myself up is proving to me more complex and demanding that I anticipated.  I thought take a few tablets, get some counseling and everything would be as I want it to be.  Be I am not God, I am not the man who runs the world. I am not perfect  I am me, a flawed human being a woman trying to make sense of her world.  I may not be able to ask for help yet but I can hand someone my note and perhaps some of the people I encounter today might be able to understand that under the veneer of calm and control there is a very confused person who is struggling to find her way in a rapidly changing world.  who is struggling to understand what is happening and why.  Who is not superwoman but just Jane an imperfect woman doing the best she knows how, trying to find her way in a very confusing world. 

binoculars, wool and crocheting together my life, pat on the back to me

I went to visit my mother for Easter Sunday, my ex-husband (long story) and my two daughters went too, my older brother was there.  It was a very weird day, I must stop saying that , I suppose it was a weird day because I had forgotten what it was to enjoy myself and I was only weird because it was enjoyable.  I found that I could not leave the house in the morning.  I finally had a night alone at home and there was no-one to hunt out the door except myself.  I found I could not muster the energy to leave so I went back to basics.  I went looking for the trail of bread crumbs I had left myself for such events.  I have been taking pictures, buying books, looking up stuff on the Internet, getting advise for many people, professionals, friend and random strangers.  All of those things are there at my disposal I just need to look for the right one for the situation I am in.  Remember to command the muscles, start by wriggling the toes, by commanding the muscles I get out of bed;pat on the back to me.

What is next, manage the blood sugar levels, perhaps it is not anxiety maybe it is low blood sugar, the cure, protein filled breakfast and sugary tea.  That worked; pat on the back to me.  Next the feeling that I am living in a bowl of jelly , that had to go so that I could drive, I bookmarked a load of sites on the Internet surely I thought there is one there that can help me leave the house.  And yes, you guessed it there  was EFT, emotional freedom technique.  I needed to release the bad feeling that had built up during the very stressful fortnight I had experienced, I needed to accept myself so that I was OK to be me.  So I followed the exercise., and again you guessed right , it worked.  Gradually by forming and remembering the habits that helped me get well again, I was able to cope with a potentially very stressful event, an hour long drive with my teenage daughter who was likely to use the hour of captivity(mine as well as hers) to vent her anger, try to part me from my money, get my approval to do all the unhealthy things I was trying to steer her away from.  the day was weird for me because it was perhaps my first day being truly myself with my family.  I enjoyed it.   I came away with the realisation that my life is good.

Transgenerational periwinkles

My childhood was not all bad, although I had recently connected with the parts of it that had confused my inner child.  Yesterday I connected with the many parts that had been good.  As my mother and I sorted through old patterns, oh  god that seems like a metaphor but it is not, we sorted through old dressmaking patterns, wool and fabrics, so that I could do some more crochet and dressmaking.  Currently I am crocheting a blanket for myself for the winter, more a comforter/rug than a blanket.  It is from scraps of wool I had and got gifted to me.  I am now embarking on the crocheting together the left over wool that my mother had kept from all the jumpers and socks and cardigans she knitted over the years.  It was a real exercise in memory to think of all the different fabrics we used to make the clothes.  My mother taught me to sew before I could even write and the skill was passed to her by her mother.  Now it is time to pass it on to my children, even if they do not learn by doing they might learn by watching.  I am crocheting what my teenager called the St Bridget's cloak.  Each day I work on it it grows alarmingly, by combining together wool of different textures and coulors I can blend a blanket of memories and warmth.  I may be a little childlike in my innocence at present but that too will pass and I will grow.

I also left with my dads binoculars.

I have such wonderful memories of looking at ships in the distance through them, jellyfish ahoy!, of sunny days in the summer gazing at beetles in the grass , when I was trusted not to break the binoculars.  My father cared for all his tools and possessions.  He always said to put things back in their right place when you had finished with them and look after all your tools properly by maintaining them and putting them away in their protective cases.  This is again not a metaphor, he was a maintenance fitter and his work was all about maintaining the pumps and fitting of the local waterworks.  His father before him also had the same job.  I suppose the lesson here is; I have the tools.  If I care for them, put them away in the right way when I dont need them, those tools will always be with me and I can pass them down to my children and grandchildren.  Beliefs are transgenarational, so are patterns of behavior but I have been passed on good as well as bad ones.  I was taught how to sew, knit crochet, tend a well, care for tools, cook, garden; all the tools to create a home.  So here I am woman, child, mother, lover, engineer, homemaker, artist, and part time philosopher, talker of psychobabble, writer of depression recovery blogs and haiku.

Happy Easter Monday
So go and find the tools you need to reconnect up all the parts of your life, good and bad.  You will be all the better and richer for it. Today's blog was written while listening to lyric fm , right now they are playing the Easter Parade.  We are all individuals.  So be yourself and have a :-)  Happy happy Easter. 

time to get me a pogo stick and other thoughts

Yesterday I felt the familiar feelings of despair and anger   I began to wonder if I had really  made any progress at all.  I started to feel sorry for myself.  Then in the course of conversation with a friend later in the day I realised I had made progress.  I realised my thinking had changed.  As I listened to him talk about how fixed things were and how we cannot really change. I realised that perhaps he was right maybe we dont really change but I also realised that we can change how we think about things.  I had changed how I think.  I also have self belief so when someone makes a statesment I disagree with I dont need to argue with them to prove I am right.  When I believe in myself I dont need to constantly prove myself to anyone.  I see so many people arguing about small irrelevant things.  I see their need to be right.   It used to really really annoy me. I examined that trait in myself.  If I know I am right does it matter if everyone else thinks so also.  I think the main cause of my episode was when I lost my self belief.  Up until that time I was stressed but I coped relatively well.  It was when I lost hope and my senses of who I was that I went down.  I focused too much on the bad stuff.  It was only the time away from the world that allowed me to heal all the past hurts I never acknowledged.  I focused on keeping going and staying strong, but it is ok to show that you are hurt, it is ok to admit that you cant do everything, it is ok to ask for help, it is ok to be vulnerable and unsure.

So what else have I learned.  I suppose the importance of rest and recuperation after any event that is taxing.  To recognise my energy levels and not to force myself to do things when I feel low energy but to rest a little to let my energy levels rise.  I have learned to speak out about how I feel. I have learned to stay with myself and not be blown around by the whims of others.  I have learned to show my vulnerability.  I think that is the most important lesson.  No-one expects me to be perfect so why should I expect me to be perfect.  We all have flaws but being depressed is not a flaw it is an illness.  It can be healed with the correct medical and psychological attention.  Once our mind, soul and memory heal we can then address the stressors in our lives from a place of power rather than fear.  Addressing our negative thinking frees us from that awful downward spiral of what if, what will happen if, if that happens i wont cope, etc etc, .

What will make me more resiliant to stress?  I really dont know.   The scientific explanation of stress is force divided by area.  How much stress is caused depends on the amount of force and also the area on which its acting.  Reducing stress means reducing either the force or increasing the area.  How can I increase that area on which the force acts??  What does that mean for me, I think perhaps it is all about sharing the burden more, asking for more pillars to hold up that force, finding a shield to protect me from the force, maybe covering myself with something springy so that the force bounces off, I think perhaps I have found what I need to meditate on today.  I need to look at ways of reducing the force, ie the demands on me, and also on ways of increasing the area,  my resilance.   I need to be more elastic and get some bounce back, think its time to get me a pogo stick. :-)

Happy Tuesday.

If you can't be yourself who can you be

Imagine every day was filled with happiness.  Imagine that everything you wanted just happened.  Image perfect peace and tranquility.  Are you finding it hard or easy to imagine these things.  If you are finding it easy give yourself a pat on the back, if you are finding it hard then imagine you are someone who finds it easy to imagine these things.  When I want to change, or when I see someone who has a trait I admire,  I imagine myself to be that person.  I ask myself what would x do, how would y solve that, if only I was a brave as z what would I do.  We all have the answers and solutions to our problems if only we are able to open our minds and let our inner self guide us.  If we stay true to ourselves, trust ourselves, believe in ourselves then we can be ourselves.  If you cant be yourself who can you be?  Sometimes by imagining ourselves as another person our true nature comes out.  By noticing what we like and dislike in others we can get to know our long suppressed self.

So be mindful of how you are reacting to others as they are all part of you.
Be yourself and be happy.

Happy Wednesday.