projections; the man in the pink jumper

Well today is the first day of Stage 2 as I have chosen to think of it.  Finally I have come to terms with my episode.  Now I want to learn how to maintain positive mental health.  I used the metaphor and visualisation of the growth of a butterfly from egg to butterfly to help me understand that this is a process.  I thought of the stages, the eggs, the eggs hatching, the caterpillar, the cocoon, the newly hatched butterfly drying her wings, the finished butterfly.  I did not give one single thought to the life of the butterfly; my aim was to be a butterfly.  Well that is just the beginning.  Being OK again is not the goal.  Living a meaningful, happy, contented, full life that I enjoy, is now my aim.  I need a new metaphor or maybe I dont.  When I was unwell I could not formulate words and numbers very well, I could not speak coherently or verbalise my emotional state or thoughts, I could write a little but the spelling was poor, I could not multiply or conceptualise quantities, I could not judge distance, but I could create images both on paper and in my mind, I could explain things in metaphors.  I now entered the real worked again where I have no need for metaphors.  In some ways it is a little sad to leave silly crazy Jane behind and be a grown up but I can carry the simplicity and joy of my awakening with me.  I can remember the first day I noticed the birds in the garden, the first day I enjoyed something, the absolute esctacy that I could feel pleasure again over something as simple as a painting, or a piece of music, the first day I reconnected with myself and with other people.  Stage 2 will have its own challenges.  Today I encountered the first challenge, not to project what I think people are thinking onto people.  I felt someone watching me as I walked through the shopping center today.  When I looked around to see who it was I saw a colleague of mine look away from me.  I jumped to the conclusion that he did not like me and did not want to talk to me, my initial pleasure that I spotted someone I knew from work and how nice it would be to catch up was replaced by that all too familiar feeling of shame.  OMG I thought that I had left that go.  So why did I react like that.  I suppose I am carrying around a subconcious belief that what happened was shameful, why could I not cope, what kind of mess did I leave after me, who had to clear it up, what did they say about me, how will they treat me when I do go back to work.  but I need to remind myself that this is a normal reaction for someone who was visited by the black dog.  I have sent the black dog away as he did not serve me well.  Now I am hearing his pitiful howls and i am feeling sorry for him and am thinking of bringing him back into my home to care for him.  A visit from the black dog of depression is unpleasant.  If I hear his howls I must find a way of making peace with myself and not react how I used to.  Ok so someone saw me then looked away.  He could have been thinking about his dinner, or the affair he was planning, or just how fantastic I was looking, or what he would be having for dinner, or he could be thinking what I thought he was thinking.  Either way I am projecting and this is an unhealthy thing to do.  I can only deal in the facts.  What have I learned to do to free myself from that. Well I could do the eft tapping, I could go for a walk, I could do something creative, I could meditate, I could ring him up and ask him (perhaps not) I could form a strategy for how I will react if this happens again.  I can remind myself of the colleagues that have been so kind to me during my episode, I can look at the pictures of the dinner I attended with them as an ice breaker to my return, I can call into the office and meet people face to face a few times so that they can get used to me being around.  I will have to expect a certain amount of that type of reaction , people carry around their own stuff and its theirs, I can only dealt with my stuff and help my children deal with theirs every one else, well they will just have to find their own path.  My path is my life.  I think that this next stage is learning how to be around others, appropriateness, communication, image, evidence of my wellness and my ability to live my life after my episode is what this is all about for me.  I think that perhaps I need to do a repeat of the earlier metamorphosis by concentrating on the basics, healthy body, nutritious food, clean house, bills paid on time, adequate budgeting, time for myself, time for my family, time for my friends and yes the motto of 2011,

Balance in all things.  

The aim to be good enough .  As my 10 year old pointed out this morning "you are not invincible" as i was singing Helen Reddy's song out on the top of my voice this morning.  I am not invincible but I am strong, I can face what I need to face.  I need to prepare for the possible challenges of my return to work in a new way.  Last night I was thinking about what lead me to open the door to the black dog.  I think it was that I tried so had to avoid things.  I had to eliminate all the obstacles I could think of before I could do anything. OMG I have a very good imagination, I could come up with so many things that could go wrong.  I valued my single mindedness so much and now, well now things are different.  I am not invincible, I am not superwoman, I am Jane.  This time I don't need to try harder, why would you try hard when you could try easy.  I will try easier, I will look at all the things that are needed to be done to make things go right.  I used to think like that, I would just do what was needed to get things done.  I don't know when I started to freeze up but I have thawed.  Today I will try everything easier.  I will wash up easier, I will live easier, soon easy will be the norm.  My life is not hard, I don't want for anything.  I can call in the expertise of others when I need it.  I was born to have an easy life, so why did I complicated it.  I have realised so much and let go but there will always be new stuff to let go.  My initial goal to get better was a good one.  Now my goal is to stay well.  So thank you to the man in the pink jumper for today's insight.  I would hug you but I project that you would think I was crazy.  :-)  wow blogging is good for the soul. 

Happy Saturday 

So go and try easier don't try harder.  Today go easy on yourself and others and enjoy the ease of your life, and dont forget to do it gradually and with love.   

So go out in the garden or park or balcony or just the sofa, take your ease and think of all the easyness ahead of you.  Getting up with ease, working with ease, cooking with ease, living with ease, loveing with ease, forgineing with ease.letting go with ease.

Easey peasy lemon squeezy.

what i saw on the road to recovery

The first snow of winter

More winter snow , a rare sight here.

The most amazing carbonara sauce cooked by a 10 year old

Bubbles created by several organic bubble machines.

young love and an origami elephant

Something very strange at the Viceral exhibition

A swing

 Is it just me of does that look like eyes?

Eyes and a mouth?

wierd monster face or tree?

Adam and eve are in there somewhere, Why did he blame eve????

if waterslides are this much fun why did i wait so long to try one

If water-slides are this much fun why did i wait so long to try one???????????????????

This question is the basic question I need to ask myself when I start to slip away into the dark place again.  I have put my duty, moreover my perceived duty, before my enjoyment of life for so long.  I forgot what fun was, well good clean fun anyway.  Sex and drugs, and sausage rolls well perhaps they are fun but they can be emotionally damaging if used in the wrong way. 

Yesterday i went down a water-slide for the first time.  I learned many lessons.

1)  I admitted I had not experience of how to do something and did not know how to do it i.e. go down a waterslide- overcoming the belief that I must have all the answers.

2)  Ask for help or clarification if you need to :such as could I get stuck- Here the lesson is to admit my fears, I am a size 16 I think that I am quite fat and this stops me doing things for fear that people will laugh at me, I did genuinely think I might get stuck, I know many people would think that was really silly but now I know that would be impossible.  By asking you are inviting others to help, and the nice helpful life guard explained to me on my second go just how much more fun it could be if I went really fast and showed me how to hold my body to do that. wow fantastic.

3) Let go of fear: I started to panic a little when I gathered extreme speed, yes I did follow the instructions on how to go really really fast and I managed to zoom down - but having learned to let go I let go of my fear and enjoyed the ride.

4) The best lesson of all was you are never too old to have fun- the sight of an overweight middle aged woman screaming her head off with pleasure in public half naked is an image of myself I had not considered never mind been comfortable with.  Its important to consider:  Do I want to have fun or conform to an image I imagine other people expect of me. Maybe I can learn to project better expectations onto others and maybe they might just want me to live up to those new images: of slightly overweight odd woman likely to so something fun.  That is a better image to me rather than serious career woman with no sense of humour. 

5) We all can choose to change when we are ready to do so.  I spent an hour under the water jets massaging every single knot of tension out of every single bit of my body.  So when my daughter asked me to go down the water slide, normally I would refuse as I would be afraid of pulling something or putting my back out, I could find no reason to refuse as my body was so relaxed and felt so good. I was ready to go down the slide and have fun. 

So give up your oul limiting images of yourself and have some good clean old fashioned fun. 

Happy St Patrick's Day

i could not live up to the expectation of my curtains

My curtains are gone,

I gave them away,

For days I looked longingly at them

They hung in the shop

silently calling to me

"See how beautiful we are

So pale and beautiful

WE will make you feel good

We will cure your ills

we Will match your stuff, dont

WE look like we will€€€€"

But they didn't

They made me feel bad

I could not live up to the expectations of my curtains

I tried; I    t r i e d    t o 

I searched for colours to make them

happy, for other shades of grey,

not the black and white I 

had to offer them

They wanted more

They knew what they wanted

I did not

but one day, i not longer wanted 

to please my gloomy and 

demanding curtains.

they cast their spell on another

Now they reside there

casting their spell on another

now they reside there 

casting their malevolent jellyfishey 

stings of faux-beauty

there.  But in that house there is a small boy and a dog.

Strength and love in the bond.

those haughty curtains

will be put in their place by 

the repeated pawing of grubby feet and hands by 

the barking and climbing upon by the boy

and the dog.  their haughtiness ignored and disregarded

So my dear haughty ones

you Scorned my tender ministrations

you Scorned my black and whiteness

you Scorned my efforts

But i, the Scorned one,

has now cast you out

begone you vile evil curtains

Glare down from your high moral ground at me 

no more

Now when I visit you

I might come say hi, you might still

Scorn me. Eventually you will

learn to live with Jacks 

earth shattering bark and 

Johnnys loving hugs. you will become what you

are, pieces of fabric

with no soul you are just

curtains and once more i 

am free

This poem is best enjoyed eating chilli listening to Doc Watsons , blues stay away from me, sung by the notting hill billies lying on a bright red rug in the sunshine without grey cream and black striped curtains.  That is a well know cure for Mondays. Happy Monday .