I thought that I was a tough strong person. Many things are tough and strong in tension but not in compression. This is the basis of all structural design. The fundamental properties of materials cannot be changed but they can be mixed with other things to create new materials and give the new one some of the properties of the old. I have started re-reading some of my text books from when I was working in structures many many years ago, mostly to see if my memory and intellect were working again but also because I find it interesting. I got to thinking on the application of the practicalities of engineering and how it applies to mental health. I hate that term and really really don't like to use it. It is the stigmatisation of the disharmony of the mind (mental health) kept me from going to the doctor and getting medical help for my condition, referred to many as my episode. Seechange is a wonderful organisation trying to change that. If it was less of a stigma then people like me and many others would get the medical help they needed before they got to crisis stages. but enough of that . I looked at the way the concept of stress is explained in JE Gordons wonderful book Structures or why things don't fall down.
Stress/strain =E (youngs modulus) for a particular material. This is a measure of a materials rigidity. The key to understanding how a material behaves is by knowing its properties and that is the same for a person. Resilience is a measure of a persons ability to bounce back and is similar to the principal of elasticity but not exactly. I make a significant improvement in my progress when I came across the concept of neuro plasticity , which considered the plastic nature of the brain. Although it was a very long buried memory I recalled lectures on plasticity and particularly the plasticity of clays, from my college days. Plasticity I could understand, medical mumbo jumbo about neurons I could not. So I worked from there and read the lovely book the Brain that changes itself. It is to mental health what gordons book is to engineering( well maybe not) but it was so simple for me to understand. The resilience of the human spirit mind and soul is more akin to ductility than elasticity. I had the metaphor all wrong. I could never get better if I could not understand the problem and the causes of it. I just needed my motto, my metaphor to work with and then I could understand. I think in pictures alot and got so bad mentally that I could not read so I had to think entirely in images for a little while. I suppose that was very interesting in some ways as it opened up a world without writing for me.
When my youngest got ill first I read many medical papers on it. All very confusing at first, it was like trying to learn a new language, but by persevering I learned. I learned all about the different treatments tried and the chances of their success. Some of the junior doctors patiently explained things to me and answered my questions. Now although I could not reason very well by the middle of the episode, when I was able to get out of bed, get dressed and believe in my future wellness, I knew that I had to find some way of regaining my previous mental capacity. When I discovered the concept of neuroplasticity I knew I could get better. There were so many stories of brains evolving to compensate for losses within them. I might not get back all my functioning I thought but I would give it one hell of a try. So I started, meditation, colour therapy, visualisation, exercise, eating particular foods, brain training, art,( a minor addiction to sky arts followed that bit) crochet, all sorts of things to stimulate my brain. Music really really helped as I understand music memory is stored in a different part of your brain than other memories. I gave brain training a go despite my misgiving as I thought it was a load of old s**te before my episode. When I found I could no longer multiply my friend advised me to re-learn my times tables and after 5 times tables it all came back. I found it hard to estimate quantities so baking and measuring helped that. Sometimes you just need one little thing, one small key to unlock the doors of thought. So plasticity was it. However I found that neuro plasticity was not exactly like engineering plasticity and that was enough to set me on the road to regaining my mental agility.
So now I am once again fascinated by things that fascinated me in the past. I have reconnected with many things. My counsellor's constant refrain about connecting hit home, I am more than the sum of my parts. I think it may be time to bit the bullet and actually try out some of the designs I have been working on. Most recently I have been sketching dog clothes, yes seriously I have, am sketching designs for wind powered bubble machine, not a big leap from kinetic art to bubble producing kinetic art. Today I saw a yeast powered co2 bubble maker in action in a fish tank a thing of beauty , one perfect bubble a second and a half. so I will be taking a break from blogging for a while to make some things. I hope that taking simple designs and turning them into real things will be the final piece in the puzzle of reconnecting myself. I feel the creative urge returning and hopefully this time I can move on from expressing myself through my baking and crochet to more things. So bye for now all you lovely people out there in blogger land. I am taking a break from blogging as therapy. I will return when my house is clean, I have made Luas pirate outfit for the pirate party next week and I have at least one section of the wind catching element of the bubble machine in operation.
So I am off to view more houses,hopefully woodworm free ones, to make that fez, to build a windcatcher, and to get some more miracle berry fruit. Truly a weird and wonderful experience. Something that will alter your view of the perception of reality so much: lemons that taste sweet as rock candy. Bye for a little while. Go get yourself some miracle berries, lemons, really really bitter apples crunch away and enjoy, possible best done in the presence of friends to add to the fun. Good night all.
No comments:
Post a Comment