bubbles bubbles everywhere

Today I had a very odd day.  The day I have been dreading for around three weeks finally arrived.  I had to go to be assessed to see if I was fit to go back to work.  I visualized what might happen, checked out the doctor involved, a pet by all accounts, and collected a list of possible questions and answers from various people.  But it did not turn out at all like I imagined it would.  I have been taking public transport on long journeys alot recently as I found driving difficult.  I decided to drive today.  The doctors place was a few streets away from one of the colleges i attended and it was like going back in time, me driving my little fiesta, windows down in the heat of summer, music blaring, zooming down a newly built section of motorway.  My first driving experiences on newly built motorway was when the first of the motorway was opened at the strat of the boom.  Mow the boom is over and the road network is almost complete.  It was so weird being around trinity and browsing in bookshops.  The city has changed so much.  It was my first time on my own in Dublin since 1995 and I had forgotten how much I liked it there, I felt 25 again.  The visit to the doctor was a little surreal as he was not at all like I expected and I opened up much more that I expected, I even cried as /i was overwhelmed by the memory of just how bad I felt and how far I have come since I stood on the cliff and contemplated if I would die or just get injured if I climbed over the edge and just let go.  Clearly he has some kind of magic formula for getting information out of people.  I spoke aloud about the how my episode began to a total stranger and it was very difficult and emotional for me.  He read the referral letter to me and it generated a whole series of emotions in me.  It made me realise that I have another whole stage in my return to wellness; how people will react to me when I return to work.  I am now living a different life than I was 6 months ago and I like it.  I love the woman that has emerged from the abyss of darkness.  I am so happy that my poor sad and scared inner child is healing and I can name the emotions I feel.  I am coming to accept my limitations and realiseing that I will have new challenges to overcome when I return to work.  I will have to deal with all sorts of reactions from people.  Many people will be kind and accepting of my flaws and others will just be their mean old selves.  I need to work on my projections and remember the lessons learned.  I need to work on  my wellness every day.  For me it may never become automatic.  I lived for so long anxious and scared it became a way of life.  Sometimes I wondered how I left the house at all.  I was so scared of so many things; dogs that I did not know personally, heights, crossing bridges, enclosed spaces, male authority figures, priests, confession boxes, speaking in public, singing in public, blushing, letters, bills, all things I did not need to be scared of.  I felt shame so much , inexplicable shame of the catholic guilt original sin variety.  

I realise today that I can still feel the awful waves of panic and the awful heat of shame.  

Is it time to panic yet??????

It is OK to fail it does not mean that I am a failure.  I have failed at so many things.  I have judged my failure harshly.  But my harsh judgement of myself is unnecessary.  It is OK not to have all the answer, it is OK to fail, it is OK to ask for help.  I do not have to change myself to meet other peoples expectation of me of my projection of their expectations.  I have worked hard to regain my wellness.  I have grown so much emotionally.  I am ina quandary about how to go forward from here.  Today raised all sorts of questions for me.  

do I really want to move to here, I cant see the horizon anymore??????

I again wandered down streets of my past today, to remembered the expectations I had in those self same places.  It was the first time I thought about the decision I made to move in with my boyfriend and change all the plans I had 17 years ago.  What if I had gone to California like I planned, a sunny place instead of the wild north west.  What if I had not had kids and had continued on to do a phd like I had planned.  What if, what if , what if...........

Today raised more questions than gave answers.  I had made my decision to move and now I am not so sure.  

Where are you hiding fisheys?????????????

I spent a while trying to photograph the goldfish tonight.  I find writing and taking photos help me to make sens of my world.  I don't want to be walking down abbeyside strand in 17 years time wondering what if i hadn't move to Waterford, what if I hadn't gone back to work, what if I hadn't packed in my job.....
I wonder how I will know if I made the right decision.


Today while I was walking down Grafton street I was suddenly surrounded by bubbles.  Given my bubble obsession I was a little taken aback.  I carried Dr Claire weeks book , Self help for the nerves, around with me for around 3 months.  I focused on her advise, get out of bed, face things and float.  I needed an image to work with to help my float and I settled on the bubble.  They float effortlessly.  Today's encounter with the real world of work made me question if I was really any further forward and if returning to work would set me back again.  But the bubbles reminded me to float, so its back to basics again.  Retracing the steps that lead me to get well.  Getting out of bed early, eating breakfast containing protein, resting when I felt weak, floating, facing up to things, eft, self expression, exercising even when I did not want to , taking care of my  appearance, my home and my family, having fun and recognising my feeling.  I learned to express myself and that I mattered.  I am scared again now, scared that going back to work will cause me to slide backwards.  I feel the need to dig that hole to crawl into and hide from all the pain.  I do not want my brain to only recognicse the bad in everything.

Today made me question the certainty of the decisions I have made recently.  Perhaps I need to dream a new dream entirely.  I am standing at the fork in the road  but which one to take???????????????????
The doctor told me today that I am ready to strat planning a return to work but that I am still psychologically fragile.  Well maybe I need to do what you do with all fragile things ;handle with care.

So Im off to bed to.  Treat the fragile things in your life with care.  Perhaps that is todays lesson.

Happy Saturday and be sure to handle the fragile things with care.