an autobiography in 5 parts

I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place. But, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Portia nelson's lovely poem and somthing I focused on so much for the last few years.  Now I am looking for a new street.  Hope I dont start falling down new holes too.  

I am in the gutter, and i'm looking at the mud

I rarely write on a very bad day and I have mostly had good days recently but today was a bad day. younger daughter spent the morning throwing up and teenage daughter , who is stretching her boundaries and my new found patience was very annoying.  My blood pressure was up due to my forgetfulness in collecting my tablets, and the stress of dealing with her, and I felt like crap.  I decided to wallow in my misery.  Oh yes I am soooooooo miserable, my life is soooooooooooo shit, poor me stuck here, why should I bother to get out of bed at all, what is the point, its all crap, I could go on and on, i didnt even give myself permission to wallow , I just wallowed.  Eventually I got really sick of wallowing and took xes dog for a walk.  When I eventually trusted her enough to leave her off the lead she cautiously stayed with me.  As she realised that she was free she ran around like a mad thing,  she yelped and ran around like mad.  I decided to try a new way home from my usual walk.  I have recently got over my stray dog phobia and I thought that having a dog with me would be good practice for my encounters with other dogs, so we went back through the bog.  It is really a very small salt marsh at the edge of the bay, created by the causeway which used to carry the train many years ago when trains still ran here.   Well what joy was there to greet me.  Lots of lovely rabbits, an oasis of green and warmth, a shelter from the winds that swept across the bay today.  Mrs Dog and I got on great.  I forgot about wallowing and even had a short run with her which she loved.  I have put on a stone in the last 2 months, that stone took me about 6months to loose last year and since I threw out all my clothes that were to big for me I a squished uncomfortably into most of my clothes now.  god it was so easy to break a sweat being so unfit, but did I feel great.  i came home to the same mess, the same children, the same pile of ironing, but instead of wallowing in my pit of misery , I wallowed in a bath of citrus and sage bath crystals.  We can all wallow but some wallowing is better than others.

Happy Monday.
Find your happy wallow pit and enjoy.
Think happy thoughts for me please as I have a rather challenging day ahead of me and I need lots of happy thoughts to help me through it. 

what now

What now? What next? Where am I going? Back to basics for me I think.  Indulged in one of my favourite unhealthy pursuits today.  It was enjoyable but afterwards I thought to myself what a waste of a day.  It was a lovely afternoon.  I could have gone out for a walk.  I could have done the ironing.  I could have done something positive.  I resisted for a week.  I even thought to myself thank god I dont do that anymore.  I feel so much better but today temptation was too great.  So now I need to practice forgiveness, I need to let go of the mistake, I want to not beat myself up about it.  So I will go easy on myself.  I will acknowledge the effort.  I will remember that it is not about the achievement but the effort.  I am an imperfectionista.  I am imperfect.  So I did not plan the diversion, but I gave myself permission to indulge myself .

I gave myself permission to indulge myself.
       
                                                               I gave myself permission to indulge myself.

 I gave myself permission to indulge myself.
               
                                 I gave myself permission to indulge myself.

                                 I gave myself permission to indulge myself.

 I gave myself permission to indulge myself.

                                   I gave myself permission to indulge myself. 

Why did the chicken cross the road??
Because he gave himself permission
Because he was open to the possibility that there was something better across the road.
Because he was following another chicken.
Because he noticed there was a road.
Because he needed the exercise.
Because it lead him to the next stage of his journey.
What was the chicken's journey ??  He didnt know either but he had to take small steps, after all he was a chicken and they have small legs:-)

What now, I dont know, but I am open to the possibilities.  I can give myself permission, I dont need to wait for permission from others.

Happy Sunday.
Give yourself permission to get back up again when you slip.